Shouldn't you already know what you want?
What an exciting time we are in! December, the last month of the year. Time for hot cocoa, smell of cinnamon, warm blankets and thick socks (in my world these are essential - I have cold feet all the time. Literally. Not figuratively ;)
December brings lots of presents and one of them might not be the shiny present we enjoy. I am talking about those Xmas parties and family dinner occasions that offer ample opportunities for someone casually asking you ...
So, how is it going? What do you do these days? What is your work about?
If you are not 100% happy with what you currently do, you might be as honest as a client of mine when she told her family sincerely: "Well, I don't really know exactly what I want but I just know THIS is not it. I decided to quit my job and do something else."
What she got in return was a sentence that is like this nail that pops a balloon of excitement that goes psssssfffrrrr! and shrinks to its rather unflattering soggy form: 'Ehm, shouldn't you already know what you want by now? Didn't you study for such a long time - wouldn't it be a shame to throw it all away?"
Have you have ever experienced this? Than todays video/blog is for you. I break down why we cultivate this belief that there is a deadline to when we should have the clarity about what will make us happy and fulfilled. Plus a few tips what to do when that happens.
All of the sudden that desire, that has been burning in you so long and so loudly, shouts out by saying: »But I want something else!!!« It is the feeling like you either want to explode from the inside out and just smack that person in the face at the same time, so there is nothing better to express it at that time then just: »Aaaah, I just need a change, I just can't stand it anymore of what I am doing right now!…«
However, there is another statement, that I also hear a lot from the women that I work with. It happens in a moment when they simply just shrink and shyly respond back with: »OK, maybe I should not go, maybe I shouldn't even think about changing…«
And that particular statement or that belief, that there is a time that we reach in our lives, when we already should know, what we want, that statement really is at most bullocks.
Today I want to tell why it is as it is.
I truly hope that this all somehow relieves a part of the tension, that our culture puts on us, especially on women. Because women are; as we all know, meant to be good girls, meant to study and to perform a good decision-making from the very start… but you will not believe, how many times women of all types and ages come to me to my practice and say: »Neža, I have a feeling that I kind of live somebody else’s life, I feel like somebody has programmed this particular life for me and I simply have no clue of what I want instead…” And that's fine, if you found it out at that particular moment in your life.
Lady, you are okay, okay? Let's get that clear in the very first place:
“Nothing is wrong with you!”
What is happening here, is that one of our major, major systems in our society, failed us, majorly failed us. And I am talking about the education system.
So, I am a teacher by profession, and I have also seen that myself within my students a while before I moved on to working with adults.
There was just no moment there during the time of our education, that we would have been sat down with the words like:
“OK, what is it that you want?”
Nobody had really looked at us from a genuine curiosity perspective of having the kid in front of him and never bothered asking us: »Okay, what is it that you are longing for?« And nobody never helped us translate that thoughts into something that made sense in our society.
So that is one thing.
Another thing refers to the University. I am sure, that whatever our Universities are offering, is not necessarily responding to the needs of the market. So, we finally come out of this system of education, prepared for something that might not even exist.
Let me give you an example of my own; and of course, let us take it from context that I have been born in a socialist country; I was actually born in Yugoslavia and when I was about 9, the country fell apart. We gained the independence and during the night we became a democratic country. And, of course, with making a change it always takes some time to adjust to it, too. It takes all sorts of adjustments; not only to the system and all new legislation, but it also takes time to change the mind shifts of people and ideas about what is needed and not and to finally analyze it all in a sense: “This is what the market needs and this is what we are offering.”
So, when I was in fifth grade (that was actually at the time, when I actively started thinking about what type of high school I want to go to), somebody told me, that there is a test that I can do in the elementary school. It was supposed to be the test, that will tell me, what I should be pursuing, what is good for me and that will show me, what I will be good at in future.
I think that I was about 12 or 13 years old then, and I was already very active in scouts, too, so I was already actively using my talents on a daily basis. For these reasons I basically had a hunch of what I wanted. I was also really, really gifted with a family, that supported me constantly by showing me: “Whatever you want to do or achieve, we will support you.” And I was blessed by having this environment of scouts and scouts’ friends and scouts’ mentors around me, that said: “You are really good in leadership, you are really good in explaining things, you are really good at…” So, they were all giving me feedbacks on what was good about my skills. And therewith I am very much aware of the fact, that not every child has had that beautiful gift already given at that such an early age.
Well, I was still quite curious, as already mentioned, so I went to this counselor and she gave me these pages and pages long document, that I needed to fill out in whole. And what came out of it, was both; shocking and confusing for me at the same time. I went like: “What is that?” Because, apparently, according to the test, my perfect career choice and the most suitable profession for me would be the ventriloquist. Surely I did not even know, what that was. The lady, who gave me the test, also didn’t have a clue of what that profession is. So, I had to look it up and you know, it is actually the person with a puppet; a comedian or something like that; the person that can make their voice appear to come from somewhere else. So, the ventriloquist is, as the matter of fact, a person, who speaks from the stomach.
Now, this profession does not exist in Slovenia. My hunch is, that they just copy-pasted the test, that came from the USA, where this profession does exist, and they offered it to the Slovenian kids. And, yes, quite some time has passed since I’ve been to school, and many things might have been changed by then, but I dare to say, that you and I have many things in common, when it comes to questions and thoughts like: “What on earth am I going to do? Was I educated in that?”
So, I basically went through my high school not choosing to be a ventriloquist after all, and then I finally started asking myself: “So okay, what is it that I want to do?” And once again I was very happy to have had all the support of my parents, my family and my scout community. I was also always very curious about what makes me happy and what is fun to do and things like that. And yet, with all the support of my background and my roots, I still ended up doing something, that I thought I should be doing.
And that particular part presents another piece of our education, the one that you and I have probably never been given with. That is: Knowing how to communicate with our own inner critic and recognizing, that such a voice as an inner critic actually exists in us. And knowing, that there is also such a voice as the inner mentor in us, too.
So, that is this inherent wisdom, that we all have. I do believe that we, as women, have a slightly more direct connection to this inner mentor, then men do, because we normally pay more attention to these details and to intuition and voices, too. But that probably is a conversation for a next video, right?
Now, do you notice or ever hear your own thoughts saying: “I should already know what I want?”
Let us all acknowledge right away, that you have not been educated in this direction at all and, that you have not been given the tools to be able to work on these very complex and difficult questions on your own.
So, when you go and talk to your parents about these things, and you start the conversation with: “I don’t really know, what I want, and so on…” it is good to know, that they come from their own perspective and that they actually have even less education in that matter than you, so that is why, unfortunately, seeking for an advice at people, who have not been given tools in that type of stuff, can be a pretty daunting thing.
Why? Mostly because the advice you might be given, comes from a perspective of a generation, that is to be found in a completely different context than you are. So, whenever you are seeking for advice on how you should proceed, and on how to implement the changes, that would be good for you, please, always listen to your intuition first. I do believe that you already have this beautiful wisdom in you, and that you simply just need to find it and unlock it.
And secondly, if you want to get a real help with that, I created a career choice kit for curious women like you, where I take you through six questions and these are the ones that show you the way of how to go into this wisdom, that I do believe you already have in you.
So, if you don’t have it yet, if you don’t have that kit on your computer yet, with all the videos and emails, that I have sent with it, then come, simply subscribe, and let us start today. Because it is very, very important, that you are not alone on this path. It can really be daunting.
And as a goodbye, I would like you to do something for me: I am namely really curious, if there are other similar sentences out there; the sentences that really piss you off. Those piercing sentences like: “Get a real job!” or “You should already know, what you want, because you are now at blah blah age, or because you have done this and this education…”
Please, please, please, hit it in the comments below, and tell me, what are these crucial sentences, that really piss you off, when you hear them. I am really looking forward to making video like this one about them; because all these sentences are hiding a gem of wisdom and knowledge behind them and a reason, why all these cliché stories exist.
I hope you have enjoyed this, and that this video got you thinking. Therefore, hit on “comment” below and tell me, what is the sentence that really, really gets you mad. And let us talk about it.
Lovingly, Neža and GluGlu